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Humor Quotes

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

― Albert Einstein

"We all know that light travels faster than sound. That's why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak."

― Albert Einstein

"Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun."

"A good speech should be like a woman's skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest."

― Winston Churchill

"I always thought tea was going to taste like hot brown water. And do you know what? I was right."

"I always thought tea was going to taste like hot brown water. And do you know what? I was right."

"If that's a joke, I love it. If not, can't wait to unpack that with you later."

"If that's a joke, I love it. If not, can't wait to unpack that with you later."

"You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It's a goldfish. You know why? It's got a 10-second memory."

"I feel like we fell out of the lucky tree and hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool of cash and Sour Patch Kids."

"I feel like we fell out of the lucky tree and hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool of cash and Sour Patch Kids."

"I believe in Communism. Rom-communism, that is. If Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can go through some heartfelt struggles and still end up happy, then so can we."

"If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers."

"If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers."

"I've never been embarrassed about having streaks in my drawers. You know, it's all part of growing up."

"I've never been embarrassed about having streaks in my drawers. You know, it's all part of growing up."

"Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson — on a high!"

"Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson — on a high!"

"This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able take my eyes off of it, either."

"This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able take my eyes off of it, either."

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