Steven Wright Quotes
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?""A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.""Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.""I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.""My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.""Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.""I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.""The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.""When I was a kid, my grandmother had this giant spool of thread, and we were going to string it out of her window real far, you know, and then let go and put a note on the end. Now I'm stuck with a spool of string I could never use up.""I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five""I like to reminisce with people I don't know""If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before""I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met""Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.""I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.""I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.""Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.""You can't have everything. Where would you put it?""I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.""Half the people you know are below average."
