Wit Quotes

"I can resist everything except temptation." "If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty" "With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 70." "A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'For a man, you're kind of ignorant.'" "I intend to live forever. So far, so good." "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." "I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond" "When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better." "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member" "A sharp tongue is the only edge tool that grows keener with constant use." "Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny." "I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not" "You know why birds fly upside down over here? Because there ain't nothing worth crapping on." "I have nothing to declare except my genius" "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go" "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." "I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book." "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."