Funny Quotes

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." "There's 206 bones in the human body, 207 when I'm watching gossip girl." "It’s a Bazooka-meets-slighty-embarrassed grin kind of thing." "I'm thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." "From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." "I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys" "This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." "I swear, I'm the least funny person on the planet… mgaaaah!!" "I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone." "I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add" "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time" "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." "I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it." "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot." "I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home." "I'd give my right arm to be... ambidextrous" "I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." "Yesterday I was a dog Today I'm a dog Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement" "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants" "I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast."