Wit Quotes

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go" "I have nothing to declare except my genius" "You know why birds fly upside down over here? Because there ain't nothing worth crapping on." "I feel like we fell out of the lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, and ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids." "I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not" "Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny." "A sharp tongue is the only edge tool that grows keener with constant use." "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member" "I can resist everything except temptation." "When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better." "I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond" "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." "I intend to live forever. So far, so good." "A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'For a man, you're kind of ignorant.'" "With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 70." "If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty"