Humor Quotes

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline" "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" "There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it." "Barbecue may not be the road to world peace, but it's a start" "I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends will call it" "Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children." "I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive." "Congratulations, you played yourself" "A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book" "That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it" "We're so self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We're gonna save the fucking planet?" "When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat" "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose" "The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it" "To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job" "A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men" "We have so much time and so little to do Scratch that reverse it" "I think that everyone should get married at least once, so you can see what a silly, outdated institution it is."