Humor Quotes

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter" "A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory" "I'm too good for my own good, I won't leak the album, I'll let it spill" "A philosopher is someone who won't take your watch away to tell you what time it is" "I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty" "I pride myself on the fact that my work has no socially redeeming value" "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us" "How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?" "When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane." "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?" "If you were to try to fail, and you succeed, which have you done?" "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest." "There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." "A joke is a very serious thing" "In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." "There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt." "Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." "Love letters are laughable; leave them unwritten. " "Whatever you see you gotta keep a sense of humor; you gotta be able to smile through all the bullshit" "There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want"