Humor Quotes

"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired" "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." "What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes." "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket." "All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them." "Housework, if you do it right, will kill you." "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." "My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?" "Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart." "There are more old drunks than there are old doctors so I guess we’d better have another round" "I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved." "The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit" "It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them" "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her" "Comedy is tragedy plus time" "A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles" "Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously" "I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house" "The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove would be better for you than water, is to put rum or bourbon in it" "Talking nonsense is man's only privilege that distinguishes him from all other organisms."