Humor Quotes

"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?" "My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers." "I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer." "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" "For what do we live but to make sport for our neighbours and laugh at them in our turn" "I think laughter is the best medicine. If you can't laugh, you're probably not having a good time" "Yeah, Zeus! As in, father of Apollo? Mount Olympus? Don't fuck with me or I'll shove a lightning bolt up your ass" "From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." "If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month." "The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people they think it's their fault" "I make jokes about it, but I've always been very partial to my Southern roots." "There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." "The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." "A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain." "Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it" "I have nothing to declare except my genius" "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go" "My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh" "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes" "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that"