Humor Quotes

"You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don’t wan't to hear it." "I feel like we fell out of the lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, and ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids." "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV." "A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain." "Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it" "I have nothing to declare except my genius" "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go" "My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh" "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes" "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that" "I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it" "Do not be dead serious about your life. It is just a play." "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." "Here is an additional famous quote by Bil Keane:" "People always say 'You do racial comedy.' And I don't, exactly. I do cultural comedy. Because race and culture are two different things" "I’m a bit of a gourmet chef. I don’t take myself too seriously. Everything I learned I learned from the movies. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. I still regret that I never really tried to be a professional soccer player. There’s always a lot of pressure to be funny, but with me, if I’m not funny, there’s no pressure, because I’m still terribly handsome." "I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything." "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." "The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." "A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone."