Humor Quotes

"The thing about comedy is that if you bring me to a festival, I’ll definitely kill, but if it’s just regular folks, then you’ve got something worth talking about" "I intend to live forever. So far, so good." "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world." "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" "I only take Viagra when I'm with more than one woman." "There's 206 bones in the human body, 207 when I'm watching gossip girl." "My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." "It costs a lot of money to look this cheap" "I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond" "All work and no play is a good way to get to know the janitor on a first name basis" "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't fly" "Time is an illusion Lunchtime doubly so" "I love deadlines I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by" "In the beginning the Universe was created This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move" "Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion" "I learned to balance desperation with humor" "The key to sitcom success is miserable people."