Humor Quotes

"We all know that light travels faster than sound. That's why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak." "I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact." "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." "If you see me in a fight with a bear, pray for the bear" "You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It's a goldfish. You know why? It's got a 10-second memory." "Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun." "If that's a joke, I love it. If not, can't wait to unpack that with you later." "I always thought tea was going to taste like hot brown water. And do you know what? I was right." "I feel like we fell out of the lucky tree and hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool of cash and Sour Patch Kids." "I believe in Communism. Rom-communism, that is. If Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can go through some heartfelt struggles and still end up happy, then so can we." "If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers." "I've never been embarrassed about having streaks in my drawers. You know, it's all part of growing up." "Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson — on a high!" "This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able take my eyes off of it, either." "A good speech should be like a woman's skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest." "Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank." "Life is a series of ups and clowns. Make it worth your wild!" "Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact." "Everything is a miracle. It is a miracle that one does not dissolve in one's bath like a lump of sugar. " "I would like to be remembered as a man who won the heavyweight title three times. Who was humorous and who treated everyone right. As a man who never looked down on those who looked up to him, and who helped as many people as he could. As a man who stood u"