Humor Quotes

"I'd hate to die twice It's so boring" "When I initially meet people, I say 'I'm sorry'. Because I'm the nut of the group." "My boy loves his friends like I love my split ends" "I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability." "I planted some bird seed a bird came up now I don't know what to feed it" "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." "The chances of finding out what is actually going on in the universe are so remote, the only thing to do is hang a sense of humor on it and hope for the best." "Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact." "I drink to make other people more interesting" "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut" "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time" "Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect" "I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add" "Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand" "There is nothing more precious than laughter and scorn it is strength to laugh and to abandon oneself to be light" "I think my comedy is a bit misunderstood by fellow comedians. " "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone" "If you were going to shoot a mime would you use a silencer" "I'm trying to elevate small talk to medium talk." "I went to a place to eat it said breakfast any time so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance"