Humor Quotes

"You hit like a vegetarian" "My comedy is different every time I do it. I just throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks." "I can resist everything except temptation." "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments" "If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty" "With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 70." "There’s only two people in your life you should lie to… the police and your girlfriend." "Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down" "Hold on to your butts" "Life is tough; and if you have the ability to laugh at it, you have the ability to enjoy it." "Everything you see I owe to spaghetti" "Nothing to me feels as good as laughing incredibly hard" "Any irrational fears? I have a fear of unfinished sentences" "To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it" "I am really good at being sarcastic with guys. That's the best way to hang out with them, because that's what guys are like." "If you act like you know what you're doing, you can do anything you want - except neurosurgery" "Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed" "If they ever do my life story, whoever plays me needs lots of hair color and high heels" "Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway" "I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs"