Humor Quotes

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain." "Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it" "I have nothing to declare except my genius" "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go" "My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh" "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes" "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that" "I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it" "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV." "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." "I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything." "A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone." "Do not be dead serious about your life. It is just a play." "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." "She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon." "I intend to live forever, or die trying." "I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book." "I can resist everything except temptation" "He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of" "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."