Humor Quotes

"Everything is a miracle. It is a miracle that one does not dissolve in one's bath like a lump of sugar. " "I would like to be remembered as a man who won the heavyweight title three times. Who was humorous and who treated everyone right. As a man who never looked down on those who looked up to him, and who helped as many people as he could. As a man who stood u" "Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all." "Superman don't need no seat belt." "I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark." "I said I was ‘The Greatest,’ I never said I was ‘The Smartest!’" "I should be a postage stamp. That's the only way I'll ever get licked." "I'm the most recognized and loved man that ever lived cuz there weren’t no satellites when Jesus and Moses were around, so people far away in the villages didn’t know about them." "My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world." "My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too." "There are some important differences between me and Tony Stark, like I have five kids, so I spend more time going to Disneyland than parties." "I'm actually making history tonight as the first person with Asperger's to host SNL. Or at least the first to admit it. So I won't make a lot of eye contact with the cast tonight. But don't worry, I'm pretty good at running human and emulation mode." "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying." "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." "How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?" "I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland." "Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it." "Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things." "And when there isn't anything around to make me laugh, I make something up." "Comedy is acting out optimism."