Humor Quotes

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well." "A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." "I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone." "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance." "I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious." "You know, it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, about to die from asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young." "To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem." "I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it" "Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about" "I'll do this all day. Or at least until someone's like, 'Okay, there's other things we've got to do.'" "I'm a pretty nice dude. I have fun, and people take it the wrong way." "I'm trying to elevate small talk to medium talk." "Anyone who is elected mayor of a city has a few screws loose." "You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes." "Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health " "The story so far In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." "I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." "I am not gay, although I wish I were just to piss off homophobes" "I feel like, when people are laughing, they're divorcing themselves from the things that make them human" "When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth."