Humor Quotes

"So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don't recommend it" "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit" "Jesters do oft prove prophets." "I'm not a serious person, and I don't like serious people." "Half the people you know are below average." "I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" "To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks." "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" "I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak." "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." "There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke" "I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time." "Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that dogs think humans are nuts." "I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." "Fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That's like... sixteen walls." "From the studio that inexplicably sewed his f***ing mouth shut the first time, comes... me!" "I don't believe in a lot of things, but I do believe in duct tape"