Humor Quotes

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy." "If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it." "One thing they never tell you about child-raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is." "My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car." "I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now." "I am drawn to films that recognize their own absurdity and find a way to embrace it." "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants" "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us" "There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting" "Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at " "The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything" "If love were oil, I'd be about a quart low" "I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey." "I'm not a traditional programmer. I don't even know how to use a computer." "For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons." "A lot of truth is said in jest" "The world isn't fair. That's why I invented Calvinball" "The best proof of extraterrestrial intelligence is that they haven't contacted us" "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met" "If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before"