Humor Quotes

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five" "I don’t want to go to heaven None of my friends are there" "Don't be humble... you're not that great" "When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?" "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." "Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections." "I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast." "Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines." "My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant." "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow." "If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?" "The Electric Monk was a labor-saving device, like a dishwasher." "Don't believe anything you read on the net. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose." "No matter how much I try to be just a normal guy, I can't help but put a joke in there every now and then" "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like 'See if you can blow this out'" "I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade" "To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." "Many a true word is spoken in jest "